Giving up on goal setting.

This is a bit of a lengthy, personal post so bear with me.

As much as I try not to be, I am one of life's planners. I also get anxious about not having achieved enough.

Following your dreams and aiming for the moon is great, but it's stressing me out. Let me share a couple of things with you:

Firstly, I am writing this from my bed because anxiety means I am struggling to get out of it. One of the things that triggered this latest crisis is that in September I started a part-time masters. It turned out to be a 20 hours a week commitment (I also work 4 days a week). I thought this would be different to things I've tried to take on in the past, but it wasn't. It was too much. The thing that I had been planning on doing for two years hasn't worked out, and I don't have much left to aim for, career-wise. This is not quite as dismal as it  may seem; I am incredibly privileged because I do an interesting, important, joy-making, rewarding, life-affirming job. I'm just totally confused about what the long term plan might be.

Secondly, I'm going to tell you about my Mum. Specifically, about what my Mum would do if she won the lottery. She would buy a pet sheep and a hot tub. That's it. Those are her ambitions. My Mum is one of the most deeply contented people I know (unless of course it's all an act and she's about to run off with a 23 year old Greek bloke or something). Now, I am not my Mum; I am more ambitious, more curious about the world, and adopting her whole life wouldn't make me entirely happy. However, I would love to be as content as she is. She is happy, and she's is happy because she is truly appreciative of what she already has in her life.

So.

I need to stop. Consolidate. Allow myself to relax and breathe and be amazing at what I'm already amazing at. I'm not going to chase anything new. My life is full of more than enough people, interests and challenges to keep me busy.

Resisting the urge to set goals and make plans is going to be flipping hard for me, but it needs to be done. I know that it's going to be good for me; I can feel the relief flooding through me just thinking about it.

P.S. I get the irony of planning not to plan. Good job I appreciate a nice bit of irony, really.

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