3 TV programmes that you just know are going to be awful.

Small Animal Hospital. I hate musicals and am indifferent to small animals, so the idea of John Barrowman telling me about injured furry things (heh) does not appeal. These sort of programmes have also now been ruined forever by creepy memories of Rolf Harris from his Animal Hospital days.

Life Is Toff. It's a bad sign when you have to Goggle a programme to find out if it's 'fact' or fiction. Cue endless, pointless and ill-informed social media debates about reverse snobbery.

The Nation's Favourite Queen Song. It'll be Bohemian Rhapsody. Next!

Unfortunately I have not made up any of these programmes. I could do much, much better (probably).

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