How I Honestly Feel About My Weight


This post was originally going to be part of a series where I'd talk about the changes I want to make in my life, but I've since decided to abandon (or at least delay) this series. However, I think I want to write something about body image now. I don't really know if what I have to say is relevant to anyone else, but I'm just going to be honest about how I feel and see where I end up. Right now I'm not sure if this is brave or stupid, but I'm just going to try and write then not edit it too much. Here goes nothing...

Firstly, I should clarify that I don't, and haven't ever had, a 'proper' eating disorder. By this I mean that I've never had a problem with food that has required me to seek medical or psychiatric help. Secondly, I'm a UK 10-12 and my BMI is 22.78, which is in the healthy range. So, in theory, I should be quite body-confident. But...

One of the only recent full-length photos I could find.
I always feel just a little bit too fat. 12 is a weird size; smaller girls might feel horrified at the prospect of being bigger than a 10, bigger girls might dream of being a 12. I look at pictures in magazines, and of nice clothes on Pinterest and, although I know that these women are 6 inches taller than me and the pictures are probably airbrushed, I can't help feeling like that's how I should look. I know that sounds completely ridiculous, but it's how the pictures make me feel. I don't look at other women who are the same size as me and think that they should lose weight, but for some reason I think that I need to. WHY?

I look at photos of myself from when I was 16, and I can see that although I felt fat, I was thin. I know that my perception was skewed then, so in theory I know that it's probably skewed now. But I just can't believe this deep down. WHY?

I absolutely love food and eating. If I could accept myself with a few wobbly bits, and continue to exercise as often as I do now, I could be a healthy weight and eat more or less what I want without feeling bad. Yet I keep making myself feel guilty for eating. WHY?

The irony of all of this is that the thing I hate the most is probably the fact that I spend so much time thinking about this. The logical part of my brain tells me that I should just decided what size I want to be, work out it's associated food/exercise requirements, get to that size, then use my brain for something more important. But I can't quite accept the way I am now, and I can't quite change it. WHY?

I say horrible things to myself about how fat and ugly I am. I have been through periods of binge eating and then making myself sick, even though I know that this is bad for me (hell, bulimia can even cause heart failure). WHY?

I also know that a woman is far more than her body shape, dress size or BMI. I read fashion blogs by beautiful women of all shapes and sizes, and I genuinely think that they all look fabulous, yet I absolutely cannot apply these compliments and believes to myself. WHY?

On reflection, I should have just called this post 'WHY?' but that's not a very informative title.

Does any of this ring true for you? I can't be the only one (I hope!). Better still, does anyone have any answers for they 'WHYs'? Do do you just think I'm a whining bitch that needs to STFU feel grateful that this is all I have to worry about? (I'm totally aware of how 'first world problems' this whole post is!)

I'll be having a proper think and, later this week, I'll post some thoughts on what I might do about all this...

13 comments

  1. I totally agree with all these thoughts and have exactly the same ones myself! It's so frustrating, especially feeling guilty about eating nice food, or any food at all actually. I do find that I feel slightly better after I've been to the gym though, or when I've had a healthy morning/afternoon/evening. Sometimes I even manage a whole day! X

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  2. I think you look perfect as you are, but I understand where you're coming from. Its the society that we live in has made every girl irregardless of her size feel too fat, too skinny or too not right

    http://thelittlebigobsession.blogspot.com

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  3. This is a really interesting post! I always feel guilty about eating too. I think its also really hard to get a true reflection of your size in comparison to others xx

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    1. It really is. But also I find that I genuinely think most others look great, regardless of their size. Just wish I could apply the same to myself! xx

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  4. This rings very true to me =( I would love to get back all those years I spent on food related things. It is such a hard thing to get over and the line between eating disorder and the worries a 'normal' girl has about her weight are so hard to draw. I am trying VERY hard to be okay with myself right now because it would be so easy just to starve and puke everything, blah. It's just food and flesh, why does it have to be so hard?

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    1. Tell me about it... Wish I could answer that question! xx

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  5. Firstly great post. I have always struggled with my weight, and can relate to so many of these points you have raised. I had the worst teenage years - feeling fat and ugly, and I've looked back on photos since and actually thought... actually I wasn't that fat.
    So yes, my minds pretty skewed too.

    I've never been less than a 12 - which in my mind makes me so unworthy, but in realistic terms I have never been at the other end of the spectrum either. My biggest size was a 16.
    Like you I'm looking to make changes, and decide on the actual weight I want to be, and can healthily stay.

    Whether I'll ever be truly happy with my weight - I really don't know xxx

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    1. I think the average for the UK is a 14, so it seems like you're pretty much the same as most people out there :) So hard to be compassionate to yourself though, I know... Hopefully you'll be able to make some changes too. Hope that mine will work for me. It's such a difficult issue, isn't it? xx

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  6. I am exactly the same as you! Same size, and same worries and thoughts. 12 really is a funny size to be *sigh*

    C x

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    1. It is... Some people would be so happy with it, others would be horrified. We're stuck in the middle! xx

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  7. Well done for writing this down & sharing! I feel exactly the same way so you're not alone. In an attempt to feel better about myself I've actually decided to bite the bullet & have just signed up to a gym so wish me luck! x

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  8. This was fascinating to read, mainly because I'm basically the opposite. I waver between a UK 14, 16 and 18 and I do not care about being fat, not one bit. I eat what I want, when I want it. I never diet. I go to the gym and walk a lot, but because I enjoy it rather than to lose weight. I thank my lucky stars every day that - although in many other ways I am not the picture of mental health - I somehow lucked out with great body image and a total absence of guilt around food and fat.

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I'd love to hear what you think...